Wednesday, May 24, 2006

What I'm...

Good taste.

Summer, especially in South Florida, is bound to be chock full of pool and beach parties. It simply can't be helped- but it can be planned for. I went to one such pool party a few nights ago, of the evening variety, and while most of the guests were dressed appropriately I am ashamed to say that my own cousin was there, and she was stylistically hideous. (No, she is not Rita Moreno, but I'm getting to that...)

First, a little backstory to set up this run-in:

The last few times I have visited my cousin, she's had this awful attachment to giant hoop earrings. The very first time I saw her wearing them, I immediately chastised her because she has a very small, narrow, angular face and the giant hoops don't flatter those dimensions. They make her look like a caricature of herself. In my humble opinion, oversized accessories should be left to rodeo clowns and prop comics.

Granted, my cousin is a bit younger than I, so I concluded that she simply didn't know better. To be fair, I told her that if she handed over those earrings to me, I would buy her a new pair that better flattered her face, and they would actually be real silver because I could tell that those she was sporting weren't. Perfectly generous of me, no? She handed them over and within the next few days I had selected a pair for her from Macy's. They were real silver and I believe, again to be fair, merely a smaller and more stylish variation of the hoop that would work better for her features.

The last time I saw her, she was again wearing giant fake hoop earrings. Well, wasn't I miffed! It was so thankless of her that I actually took the cheap things off of her ears and threw them into the nearest public garbage can, vowing (once again) to buy her new ones. At which point she revealed to me that they were her friend's. Sigh. I went to the mall the next day and bought not only a cute set of silver turtle earrings for my cousin because they were adorable, but also a pair of cheap hoops for her friend to replace those I'd thrown out.

After that bit of background, let me return to the night of the party (I think you can see where this is going):

So, I run into my cousin. I greeted her: "If you had even one inkling that I might be at this party, why on earth would you wear giant.hoop.EARRINGS?" She was pretty startled and replied with something along the lines of, "...shit." Not only was the fashion-challenged culprit wearing those atrocious things, but she was wearing gauchos. Insult to injury! Everyone knows those are banned from my sight. Especially since her body continues to be as narrow and angular as her face, and therefore the baggy swaths of extra material swishing about her stick-like legs made her appear bottom-heavy. About ten of her legs could have fit into one leg of the jersey material- it was just unreasonable! And to top it all off... the young blonde girl had... black eyeliner around both of her entire eyes, both lashlines. Ingrate! I try not to be a total jerk about over-criticizing, but couldn't stand it, really. Between the earrings and the makeup, she should have just given herself some dark lip-liner around paler lips, and lied that she was doing a production of West Side Story. Except, this would be the dres rehearsal, and after getting out of hair and makeup, she would leave her baggy pants on to run through one of her kicky dances before actually getting into costume, and thus, the gauchos. It is the only forgivable explanation.

After pseudo-stewing all night at the party and giving her ample reason to avoid me, I managed to catch her attention as she was walking by- by slipping my finger effortlessly into the hoop of her earring and giving it a gentle tug. She stopped and looked at me with those dark-lined eyes and before I could help myself, I took the earring (and its mate) and threw them both right into the pool. Adding, natch, "If those were real silver you wouldn't have to worry about it. Oh well." A little dramatic? Maybe. But really, had I not been more than fair and compassionate in the past? Suffice it to say, I did not offer to buy her new ones. I did, however, offer to give her a makeover if she wanted to see how good she'd look in lighter, natural makeup. (One chance, that's all she's getting).

Many bloggers have covered the topic of what is appropriate to wear to a pool or the beach, so I'm not going to go overboard (teehee) with suggestions, but here are a few cute things that are perfectly allowable:


Wet Seal

Banana Republic

Neiman Marcus

It's so easy to find cute outfits this summer that if someone can't pull it together, I say make 'em walk the plank!


Rebecca said...

I'm glad you're not my cousin!

Perhaps this is a case of being able to catch more flies with honey than with vinegar; like you could spend time with her and your good taste would rub off.

But about the black eyeliner: where's that girl's mother?

!mp said...

black eyeliner like how?
and wow, what viciousness, she must feel great about herself.

The Style Bard said...

Haha, apparently I sound more mean in the post than I believe I actually was. To clarify, the first time I replaced my cousin's earrings she was actually with me to pick them out, and we did talk about what shapes and sizes would flatter her face. And I did offer to give her a makeover. And I took her to the mall to buy outfits with her Hannukah money two years ago. So, I am trying to be nice, I just want to help her develop her own style and look as good as she possibly can.

The Style Bard said...

-- as to the eyeliner, it was black and all around both of her eyes, top and bottom. I believe the type was something like a liquid, maybe NYC brand.

!mp said...

Ah, you were actually out shopping, that's a useful point.
And are you saying that it was the particular way she wore it, or are you dismissing all black eye-liner?

The Style Bard said...

No way, I love dark eyeliners. Young blonde girls shouldn't wear it though. She could wear a brown or an eggplant, as I said to her. And because her eyes are small too, she should just do the top lash to elongate her eye. Dark liner all around makes her look smaller-eyed, not to mention like the Hamburglar or a raccoon. Plus, a powder or very light kohl or even a pencil would be more appropriate than the dramatic inky kind.

!mp said...

ah, now the boy sees.

Cara said...

Maybe you could get her a purple suit. Then she would look like Grimace.
Why the hell were we talking about Grimace the other day? I wish I could remember things.
Gauchos down here as far as the eye can see. In turquoise, no less.

Cara said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Style Bard said...

Ew! You poor thing. I blame Madonna, somehow.

Anonymous said...

Stop being a b**** and let her wear the hoops. They look great on most girls, assuming they don't go too overboard.

Who's to say your sense of style is the only right way? Everyone is different.

The Style Bard said...


Absolutely. I believe everyone has their own sense of style and should definitely tailor it to promote their individuality. This blog is about my personal style eye, and furthermore, if you read the following hoop post (above this) you'll understand that I clearly state her earrings are oversized, overboard, and not as flattering to her face as I believe another style of earring would be. I just want her to look good. My investment in the issue goes no further. I eventually bought her several pairs of lovely hoop-style earrings (to meet her taste) that were not bigger than a silver dollar (the wrong style for her looks). We went shopping for these together, and she no longer clings to the too-big ones she sees on movie starlets with entirely different face-shape than she has.