Monday, January 15, 2007

If It Doesn't Look Good on Her...

And yet another installment in the tragic lesson entitled:

If It Doesn't Look Good on a Model, It Won't Look Good on You.

This week I'll go so far as to add, if it doesn't look good on a Victoria's Secret model, it will look like unflattering swaddle on any of us. To wit:

Victoria's Secret Off-the-Shoulder Dress. It says: Woe is me, for matching a shirt to a skirt is so tediously hard! I shall only bear garments that are one piece of fabric, even if that fabric is jersey, and makes me, in my waifish size zero glory, look like my thighs and hips can destroy a small town. It also says: I wish VS paid me in merchandise, for then I could wear a flattering bra and try to save the shape this fugly dress forces upon my figure. Woe!

Victoria's Secret Cable Sweater Dress. I can just hear Tyra now. "You're a beautiful girl, and all of the judges believe you have what it takes. You came in here with bone structure and confidence. But all of the smoldering looks in the world won't make you a Top Model if you don't learn how to angle your face. You need to elongate the neck. Make up for your lack of jaw. Practice in the mirror until your short face looks fierce. And girl, even when designers put you in a god-awful dress that makes it look like a cable-knit snake is devouring your entire body and adding ten pounds, you need to stop scowling and work it!"

Victoria's Secret Back-Pleat Skirt. Um, my boyfriend is like, studying art in college? And like, he's taking this origami class? He totally made my favorite cotton skirt look like a napkin... one that's already been unfolded from a swan and sitting in someone's lap all night. But it's cool, you know, because I totally look like a beautiful swan myself now, right? Or some other exotic tailfeathered bird. Right? Oh well, as a last resort I can use it for tennis.

Victoria's Secret Ruched Pencil Skirt. Girl to perspective employer: Thank you for seeing me about this job. I know the sleek-and-tailored look is in right now, and makes me look like a professional who's got her act together. And I know a pencil skirt will totally flatter my tiny waist, girlish hips and flat stomach. But tell me the truth. Can you tell I've been sitting on a Greyhound bus for 14 hours overnight just to make it to this illustrious interview? Because that's how much I want it. I mean I didn't care enough to bring an iron or change clothes, but I really, really think I'd be an excellent employee at your company.
Perspective employer to girl: I can tell, but don't worry. You aren't the first girl this has happened to.

Victoria's Secret Bubble Skirt in Plush Corduroy. So, like, I know bubble skirts are totally in right now and everything. I mean, I see them everywhere in mainstream stores, not just on the extra-extra reduction rack at BCBG, or on kooky TV personalities like that chick nobody liked on Project Runway. That means that if I wear it I am totally in style, no matter what context is, right? Because, um, some girls in snowsuits were totally laughing a few minutes ago, and I kind of thought they were laughing at me. But how could they! This is corduroy! That makes it a perfect skirt for the snowy Colorado slopes! Well, anyway, they were probably laughing because they wished they had my hot, sexy legs. Which are actually kind of.. cold.. and blue right now. Oh well! Off to the Bunny Trail I go. Wish me luck!

And last but most exemplary of the rule:

Victoria's Secret Sequin Boots. Not a bad close up, if you're into preparing veryvery early for Halloween. Some people are just planners by nature. But... This says: Fifty dollars? Sir? Fifty... no? Okay, okay, twenty dollars. Twenty bucks, come on! Ten?! That's insulting! Make it twelve. Yes, sir, we have ourselves an arrangement. And oh, before we get back to the motel I should ask... would it bother you if I were actually a man, in drag? NOTHING. I said nothing! I said... pass me your cigarette, man, I'd love a drag...

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